The Eating Disordered Mommy: 2011

I am a mess. I am not your typical eating disordered person. I didn't start at a young age. This didn't start as the result of my body maturing. My family was suburban, white, middle-class...that is the end of the typical. My dad was a jerk. That is a given. There was a lot of name calling. My reaction to this wasn't great. The end result of my actions was a fat girl. There were no if's, and's, or but's about it. I was 5'2" and 180 lbs in high school. Miraculously, I found a husband. To this day, I'm still not sure why he married me. There is no way that it could have been because of any physical attraction on his part. Somehow, I ballooned up even more to 200 lbs by the time we had been married 2 years. There had never been any lack of self-loathing about myself, but at this point it became unbearable. I needed to find some control. We were planning on taking a vacation to DisneyWorld. I told myself that I needed to be able to walk around without falling apart because of my fatness. In reality, I had ALWAYS envied the "skinny" girls. The ones that you could see their ribs, pelvic bones, and especially the hip bones. I desperately wanted to join their ranks. So I did. I make it sound so simple right? Well, it wasn't. But it became easier as time went on. I am a list person. Many would label me as "type A" personality, or OCD is probably a better description. I kept lists. Food intake. Outgoing waste. How many minutes of exercise. What type of exercise. Always round down on the calories that were outgoing. Always round up on the intake of calories. That way there was always some sort of a buffer. Just in case I did my calorie calculations wrong. I would come home from work and would do a walking video. I couldn't make myself go out and walk. I was terrified (still am) of people driving around and being able to see me walking. "Look at the Fat Girl walking...who does she think she is? Fatty!" I could imagine everyone saying. So I did a 1 hour walking video 4 times a night. According to the video, it was the equivelant of walking 4 miles per hour. I rounded down to 3 miles an hour. Even then, I'm sure I was overestimating. Still, after 1 month, I had lost 20 lbs and felt somewhat ready to face Disneyworld. When we got home, I really dug in. 300 calories a day going in. And I felt bloated after eating whatever I ate (usually a lot of bouillion cubes). I had a high school reunion coming up, and I wanted to show them that I wasn't so much a Fat Girl anymore. I had 6 months. By the time the reunion came around I was 115 lbs. Not happy with it. Still fat. But it was a start. I thought. Then we decided to get pregnant.

The Eating Disordered Mommy

Thursday, August 25, 2011

August 25th, 2011

My History